The ideas keep coming

And I have a good one. If you don’t want to see the truth about your self then don’t read my blogs. I can say what I want to. But apparently the truth hurts. Sorry.

Disaibility, Birthdays and cell phone bills oh my!

So yeah I am now on disability and my work, the insurance co and the docs office ar really working my nerves. So I called a lawyer. Oh well guess you should have thought of that before hu?

My ex’s girlfriend still hasn’t payed her cell phone bill putting me behind, and now he tells me that he wouldn’t have given her a cell phone even tho they are dating?!?!? Curious as to why..  hmm not now. Yesterday was George’s birthday and we are broke because of the stupid shit going on so you can see where that went. And my stupid back is messed up. but on the brighter side of things I am alive my man and my kids are healthy so I guess I can’t complain too much. I am so blah today. George finally started his vacation so he’s happy besides being broke. I told him today that we usually have the cash to do whatever so it’s not so bad. He seemed to agree. My ex still owes me child support and he says he will pay but we will see. I am not so mad at him cause he is struggling too I suppose. Ant way we had a nice dinner at G’s mom’s house last night, And I found this web site for every one it’s called skin deep it tells you ratings on a scale of 0 to 10 of make up and other products we use on our bodies every day, cg got a bad rating on most of it’s products, so I threw them away. Anyway  that’s all for today so have a good one… Thanks for reading.

The nats are on the inside

Let me just start by saying that people call other people names when they are angry and don’t know what else to do, I have a very strong opinion when it comes to allot of things, especially my kids. And when some one thinks that they can take that away from me or my kids it’s on. so I must say that I am sorry if I offended you in any way but I am not sorry that I have my opinion or that I said what I said. The truth is the truth and sometimes it hurts.

On to better news George and I went to a Halloween party last night it was allot of fun, we went as Al and Peggy Bundy, and we were the most original there, with the exception of the outlet and the plug. Any way they had some good beer on tap and I danced allot I love to dance, plus I got George to go out there with me which is weird cause he doesn’t like to dance, but he actually wasn’t bad.  I don’t have much to say I really want to go play e. q. so thanks for reading.

The rotten ones are always the prettiest on one side.

I am so lost on what to do about  my daughters dad’s girlfriend. She thinks she actually has a say in what me and my ex- husband do with our kids, she actually thinks it’s alright to stand there and tell me what to do! Ahahahaha aha ahahahahahahhahaha hahaha! is all I can do, you can’t beat people up any more you’ll go to jail. Fortunately I am Headed back to court in a few months, my ex-husband and I came to an agreement so that’s fine but there are still some underlying issues that need to be addressed, this being one of them. I was over there waiting for her to pay me for her cell phone bill and she was procrastonating as usual, she treated everybody like crap and then proceeded to tell my six year old daughter that she would be popular because she would buy nice things for her. Now hold up a fucking minute, first of all who the fuck are you? and since when do real friends come from having nice clothes? She swears that she had this great upbringing where she had everything, well let me see 19 with 2 kids one of which does not behave an alcoholic father and a bossy, nosey stuck up bitch for a mom who if she really cared for her daughter would have stopped her from dating a 34 year old man when she was 16. I am not saying I am any better by all means, but I also don’t go around bragging about things that aren’t worth bragging about. Like, and I quote ” you’re just jealous that you weren’t a cheerleader in high-school” she says this to my ex- husband, OK for one you didn’t even got to high school for longer than one year maybe half of another at least he finished school and never dropped out to have kids and play house. I can’t believe some of the things that come out of her mouth some times, like that my girls were hers or that they love her more only a immature, self centered, abused, angry teenager would say such a horrible thing right? not according to her, she had all the best, but she has lived in Beaumont all her life. I am very confused.

Just in case you were wondering I have tried to be friends with this girl many, many times. She makes it almost unbearable most of the time.

I really don’t like to talk about people allot but I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE!!! She wants my kids to be spoiled little wanna-be rich bitches like her, and I am sorry but last time I checked I am their mother and Ray is their father so why is it that I have to answer to her? I guess I don’t do I?! so I’m going to tell the judge everything she has said pertaining to my children being her property and telling me what to do when it comes to them, like “when there at my house I can do what I want!” Oh no you can’t! Those are my little girls, and no fat ass-ed teenager is going to tell me shit, I realize that she has done allot for those girls, but I have thanked her and their father has thanked her with two kids. So from now on it’s my game and I have to pick you for the team. I know you’ll probably read this and have some witty comeback but seriously, you need to stop and take a breath, and step the fuck back, you have two kids that need you. my girls have two parents that love and can take care of them just fine with out your input.

Anyway I have been off work for a few days because of my fucked up back, I hate back injuries… They suck. George and I are going to a Halloween party on sat or fri I can’t remember I hope our costumes are a hit!!! fun, fun, fun!!!

I think the green ones are sour….

I really like this song, I think it helped me to bring closure to alot of fucked people leaving my life. So here are the lyrics. Of course I didn’t think they were fucked up at the time, only for leaving. Selfish I thought. But in all reality I was the one being selfish. They had their chance while they were around, it was my turn damnit!…. You see where it got me. Nothing but a broken heart and alot of coming to grips with reality. Now life is great but they say therapy and not suppressing your thoughts or feelings in any way, shape or form is the best thing you can do for your self. And for some reason I just started thinking about everybody. Mostly this song reminds me of an ex-man I had who I loved very much, the good thing in the end is he helped me to realize that I had it in me to love and now I love like tomorrow is my last day here………….Thanks.

I have to block out thoughts of you, so i don’t loose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted this

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swollow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months, it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinoins on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I’ll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swollow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

And when the sad hard eyes say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I found out I can’t make it go away, just make it stop
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How could you did this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you, for you, for you, for you…

Apple cider

And one more thing I really like beer.. I don’t care if my ex-husband thinks it’s wrong just because his mother is a fucking alcoholic, not my fault or problem.. I am not an alcoholic but I do like the occasional beer or two I like the taste, the smell (of a good one) The fact that there are so many different flavors and types. So if you don’t like the fact that I like beer go cry to your mother… if she’s sober enough to listen.

It’s raining apple blossoms

So today I  had a good day I guess, I had to make a formal police report against my ex husband yesterday. He keeps harassing me, and he’s made threats before including yesterday when he said ” he’s lucky I haven’t beat his ass yet” talking about George. Of course George isn’t scared of him but it is very annoying to deal with this once or more a week. I try to be his friend but he always stabs me in the back, so I just do whats right for me and if he gets screwed in the process… well karma is a bitch. Why do I always have to be the nice one? Just because I think my kids would be better off with me most of the time doesn’t make me a bad mother, it supposed to make me a good one. Some people don’t understand. The only person that does understand is the judge.

Anyway, on to my title George and I seem to have made some real headway the other night when we talked, he realized how to change things that he has control of. And not blame me for those things. And I realized That I amVery important and I deserve the best. That’s all I am going to say with out going into to much detail about my life with George. We took the kids to the pumpkin patch on Sunday it was fun, except that we couldn’t go on rides I guess they were cleaning them or something cause we couldn’t buy tickets. We all got pumpkins I carved them while George and the girls watched. Nice I know.

I did not go to work today my back is very messed up I am afraid that my doc will put me on modified duty again, I don’t want to do that, It’s lame and I hate it… Both of my girls are doing good very smart and healthy.

George and I made new toons on E.Q. last night but I couldn’t play too long so maybe this weekend we can veg out I have sat and sun off so at least one day we can play together, I don’t have alot to say about it except it’s fun, but when I log out I forget about til I log in again I don’t usually write posts about it. It’s alot of fun like I said.

Anyway this blog is like therapy, it helps me to say the things I am thinking all day, so thanks for reading.

Back to the orchard…

For crying out loud I wonder how many of these silly, clever and somehow stupid titles I can come up with. Anyhow I am so Tired today but it’s ok cause I still have the man of my dreams, I am always in pain or tired from working but it doesn’t seem to hurt or make my eyes as heavy when he’s around. And as lame and cheesy as that sounds, it’s true. I am not saying he completes me I was already me but he does make my life alot more pleasant. My children Lily and Ivy came to work with me today they are so well behaved and I can’t believe how smart they are. I am so proud of them both, they sat and watched tv then they put on their gloves and hair nets and helped me serve the seniors their dinner, so f-ing cute. I really am a blessed person.

I had a rough day at first today, I went to my physical therapist today and he could tell so he did alittle heat on my injury an let me go early. I was a mess, and it showed. Things got a little better later and seem to be going back up hill again. (getting ready to go back down I suppose…) maybe, maybe not. I Love my job alot, alot of people want me to go back to the casino, but I don’t know that I want to. It’s good money but I’m not sure.  George and I decided some things last night, he seemed to have a problem with me at first but then we fixed it. we’re smart like that. I wonder if you get an award for putting up with your man’s shit for 50 plus years at the end??? I hope so, oh wait it must be getting the man you have always wanted or something.. ha ha ha j/k it’s all worth it in the end.

 some words I thought up….

We entered this life as two and became one.

We live this life as one and some how became two.

Where has my friend gone? Wait! no, he was here…… 

My most special friend.

I can hear your voice…. It’s fading away.

 I feel like my soul is lost.

My heat is breaking, wait come back! Please don’t leave!

Please wake me up! this has got to be a dream.

I’m crying so hard, just make it go away.

Please bring a smile back and make things the way they used to be.

Your hands feel warm on my face. Your smile is a clear photo in my mind.

You are here. And I can feel you, like the first time we met.

It was a dream. I feel so happy and safe.

Yes, this is us! this is what I miss.

My dearest friend. My love. My only one.

 That is the weirdest shit I have ever done, my lame attempt to put my thoughts in a poem or something to express my feelings in a way that doesn’t sound bitchy. Now it might seem psycho… Great, I can never win, any way I really needed to try something new.

please feel free to comment and tell me what I could have done different. I am definately one of those people that has alot of emotion and can’t always say it in ways people can understand. so thanks and take it easy…

my mind and how it works

To clear things up I did no mean it was hard to go from one man to another like I don’t like it, it’s just funny how you have to adjust to the way they like things.  Anyway I also want to make it very clear that I am probably going to sound like a bitch most of  the time, my methods of speaking, typing or just explaining the things that are going on inside my head,  they are a little rough around the edges. I have a lot to learn when it comes to saying things so that others can understand…. ha ha just like momma used to do… I am such a dork! And I also want to say thank you to George who has taught me a lot, like how to entertain my self in other ways which are very fun. Bloging is one and E. Q. another. I like other things like crafts but money is tight so…. I go with what I have.  Thanks baby, you rock. I hope that we will make it through like we always do. For those of you who are not George pay no mind to that, I think this is the only time we have with each other, him reading my post. Today at work was good as always I am very proud of my self I do this job very well. I take care of seniors and they seem to like me for the most part. I am thinking of putting in for the supervisor position coming up. we’ll see if I can get it. I hope to solve or change some of the problems that ave been plagueing my mind lately this has been the hardest three months of my life. But things are looking up, I hope that bomb at the end of the rainbow doesn’t go off like it has so many times. Just once I want everything to be  in harmony.

I am just rambling, but I guess you get up your typing skill and bloging at the same time.

My puppy is a pain in my ass, I did the rolled up news paper thing like my guy told me to, it worked. He ran to his cage and went to sleep I  didn’t even have to shut the door, he stayed in there!!! How exciting I thought! but it’s probably a matter of time before he decides to just ignore my newspaper threats. I hate to be so pessimistic, but I can literally predict life as far as when one thing goes good the other thing you spent months or even years crumbles into the sea. One thing I can say is that I love you George. I can say that all day and night and mean it, never gets old. So yeah have a good night I guess that’s all. have a wonderful night/day whatever…..

Ripe for the picking

I am so proud of my self I am finally learning to juggle a new family the way it should be… At least in my mind. The only thing about that is that good things always have a bomb just waiting to go off, so now that that is good something else is bound to go wrong. It’s hard to go from one husband to another, same kids but new husband and they really aren’t the same because they have a new step mom to try and change the things they were born with, I think she actual thinks she is really their mother, like she gave birth to them. I can understand and somewhat appreciate this but some how it seems like it might  be a a little Un healthy. I was very excited about this coming December because that’s when we were to move back in with George’s awesome friend and the best roommate ever, but his new or semi new girl friend decided that she doesn’t want roommates, that really sucks especially because George and I wanted to get a big house with a nice yard for our kids and their kid, also to use the yard to get married in, my dream is no longer going to be my reality thanks to one person….. Thanks again, good looking out. The unfortunate thing about me is I have a hard time forgiving someone when they say they will do something and then back out at the last moment. I mean I guess there’s always the phrase “fuck em” Right??? Except now I will be the bad guy for saying the f word followed by you, even though I think it is quite justified. Anyway something else will happen and I will survive. Who knows maybe her kid is a brat or she’s dirty and embarrassed, or maybe she is just a bitch… or maybe she just really doesn’t want roommates. Whatever the reason I am sure it a good one and I am also sure that I will get some dirty looks for this post. O n to more important things George and I have decided to stop drinking, one at our wedding is OK but no keg or drinks allowed. That’s probably going to make everyone leave early but hey like I said earlier “fuck em!” I have realized that there is nothing wrong with drinking, but when you can’t pace your self or black out it is no longer ok or fun, we go out have what is supposed to be fun, the next day all we have to show is an empty wallet, a hangover and George usually not remembering what the hell happened. I personally have been waiting to hear him say the words “I think straight edge is starting to sound good” for a long time. Drugs are lame and for losers and alcohol is starting to seem the same way. If you can’t just have one or two at the most, you have a problem. We are both headed to alcoholism, which runs in both of our families and I am not going to live in a marriage like that, so this is a good start for both of us to be sober. We don’t drink alot  but when we do it… we DO IT!!! Once a month or maybe twice on a Friday or Saturday we go nuts, not the life I really want any more. All we need now is to quit smoking and start exercising and we will be set. George and I are set to be married soon, I am way excited!!! I also am excited about the fact that my ex-husband did not show up for mediation today, bad, bad, bad. Now if he shows up for court they will have to set a new date for mediation and go on from there but if he doesn’t show then maybe I get what I want. yay, my kids deserve better and I can give it to them. Any way I am going to go cleaning now, the girls tore up the house today, so I am off… See ya.